Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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