My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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