He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
it hurts more in the daytime
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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