i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
