Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my shit smells like andre
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
