When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
