we have pet lesbian snakes
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
