It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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