U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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