I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
