He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
