I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
