I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
