if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
