and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
