it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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