If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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