The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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