I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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