Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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