she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
