brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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