I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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