this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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