Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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