So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
