why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
