8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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