I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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