If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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