dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
