Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
