Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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