wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?