SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass