god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
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Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence