I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner