Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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