Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
