tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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