take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
