I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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