I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
