HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
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