I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
