i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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