oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
