If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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