my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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