I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
