You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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