Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
