You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
