It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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