just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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