I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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