He uses pillows to masturbate.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
