Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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