I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I look better un-naked...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
