woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
