If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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